Sunday 16 March 2014

Am I a proper Wargamer? And are you?

Loki had a go at this and I thoroughly enjoyed his one. I'm sure I've done this before but I think the questions were different. Anyway, what the hell...

Q. Spent at least £500 on figures / tanks – and you get extra kudos for every £500 you’ve spent
A. The mind boggles. I know I've spent $5,278 on Flames of War alone and I have the spreadsheet to prove it.

Q. Pricked your finger or thumb on a pike block – several times
A. Many times. I've managed to impale myself so badly I could move my hand and take the block with me at least twice.

Q. Tried at least 10 different rule sets and vowed never to play half of them ever again
A. Absolutely.

Q. Bought an army off EBay
A. Yep, several.

Q. Sold an army on EBay
A. Yep, several.

Q. Spent months painting an army – then used it in anger once
A. Yep, several.

Q. Tried several different periods and genres
A. I think ACW, FPW and Crimean War are the only ones left I haven't tried.

Q. Dropped a box of figures on the floor from a great height
A. No thankfully but I know folks who have.

Q. Lost a battle on the last throw of the dice
A. Yep. And the first.

Q. Made at least one enemy for life
A. No. I killed him. It seemed simpler that way.

Q. Had a proper, stand up argument over a wargamers table
A. Nope. If it ever got to that I'd walk away. This is meant to be FUN.

Q. Thrown a dice across a room
A. Yep.

Q. Rebased an army for a different rule set
A. Yep. Some more than once.

Q. Inflicted a whopping defeat on an opponent
A. Yep. Using the dice I threw across the room the game before.

Q. Suffered an embarrassing defeat due to a stupid tactical decision
A. Too many times to count.

Q. Joined a wargamers club
A. Technically speaking Canister & Grape IS a club. Or it may just be the only blog name that was left.

Q. Bought a ton of lead that remains unpainted
A. Haha. I'm the reason the earth is tilted on it's axis.

Q. Been to a wargamers show
A. A few. We don't have many in Australia and they are often a good few hours drive.

Q. Have more dice than is logical or necessary to own – and have used most of them
A. Well you need the right colours for each army right? Red, white and blue for French, Green and GOld for Aussies, etc. etc. etc.

Q. Have taken boxes of troops down to a club just to show them off to your mates
A. It's simpler to make people come to my place.

Q. You have reference books on each period / army you play
A. Usually several.

Q. Having played so many different games you confidently quote rules for a totally different period, scale or ruleset to the one you’re playing at that moment
A. Invariably. Sometimes even several systems in a row before getting it right.

Q. You have lied to your partner / spouse about how much you’ve spent on the hobby
A. Nope. My wife is an angel who supports everyting I do. I batted way above my average the day I met her.

Q. You get genuinely excited when a package arrives in the post – then hide it upstairs quickly before your partner sees it.  If your partner finds it first, you lie about the contents.
A. Haha. We even have to email each other to say they've arrived we get so excited. See my answer above about the contents though.

Q. You have joined a re-enactment society (5 points for this one!)
A. Yes, several. I have the scars to prove it. There is no surviving photographic evidence though as my legs look awful in tights.

Q. You have played in an unsuitable venue.
A. Does a conference centre with no air con, floor to ceiling glass walls, 42C outside with a bushfire nearby count?

Q. You continue to search for the perfect Napoleonic / WW2 / Ancients / ACW etc. rule set (knowing that it doesn’t actually exist).
A. Absolutely.

Q. For that reason you have developed your own house rules for certain periods.  And think them far superior to the original author’s efforts.
A. Yep. Only last week for my latest effort actually.

Q. You have returned from a wargames show and sneaked upstairs to hide the stash.
A. Nope. When I get home it's show and tell time!

Q. You have an irrational aversion to some genres and vow never to play them regardless of how much fun they look. Like Dystopian Wars, 6mm Napoleonics, Warhammer 40k, Malifaux etc.
A. ACW, FPW and Crimean War.

Q. You have made your own wargames scenery.
A. Piles of it. I really enjoy it and I'm a tightfisted b*stard as it means less cash for lead otherwise. My wife even makes it for me for presents.

Q. You have reached a painting ‘wall’ (“If I have to paint another f________ Gaul, I’m going to scream”)
A. I've had enough painting walls to build a house over the years.

Q. You have lost – and regained – your wargaming mojo.
A. At least yearly.

Q. You have the occasional (and short lived) sense of guilt with your wife/children when complaining to them about the money spent in clothes, shoes or toys/Xbox games when you have £200 of unpainted metal stuffed in an upstairs drawer.
A. Maybe once. It may have just been indigestion though.

Q. You have done armies in different scales for the same period (e.g. ACW in 28mm, 15mm and 6mm).
A. Yep. Napoleonics and Medieval for starters.

Q. You have jealously coveted someone else’s troops.
A. Absolutely.

Q. You have laughed (secretly or otherwise) as someone else’s paint job.
A. I try not to. I'm nowhere near perfect and you take from your hobby what you want. It does really annoy me when people play with unpainted figs though as I love eye candy.

Q. You have provided a piece of useless trivia relating to the troops on the table to show off your wargaming knowledge.
A. Probably.

Q. You have contradicted someone elses’ trivia – demonstrating your superior knowledge and giving you a warm glow inside.
A. Possibly. I know at least two people with near encyclopaedic knowledge though and one has something very close to photographic memory.

Q. You have caused a major disaster on a wargames table (spilling a pint, collapsing the table, dropped someone else’s figures on the floor).
A. No thank goodness. Seen a good few though.

Q. You have cheered when an opponent’s dice lets them down at a critical point.
A. No way. I'd inevitably regret that several times over.

Q. You have lied to your partner about going gaming.  “Mothers’ not very well – just popping around to see her.  I’ll be back in about – oh – seven hours”.
A. Never. See above.

Q. You have lied to an attractive woman (man) about your hobby.
A. Nope. I'm usually too busy telling porkies about how I'm a professional stunt driver.

Q. You have made an opponent cry.  It doesn’t count if they are under 8 years old though.
A. Maybe. Not intentionally though.

Q. You have painted the same army in the same scale more than once.
A. Actually no. Amazing but true.

Q. You have reference books on armies you haven’t even got.
A. Good God yes.

Q. You have bought figures for a period you have never and will never play – because they were cheap.
A. Haha. Shhhh..... It was a bargain. Every time.

Q. You have inflicted grievous bodily harm on a dice that has let you down.
A. Erm... Yes.

Q. You blog or have a web-page about your Wargaming activities
A. You're reading it. We had a web page before that. In 2005 if you can believe it.

Q. Your book collection is almost all war and wargames related
A. No. It is history related though.

Q. You critique ‘war’ movies (especially Hollywood war movies) for historical accuracy (like the use of American tanks – Pershings I think - to represent German Panzers in the ‘Battle of the Bulge’.)
A. Absolutely. I also like to torment my wife by picking holes in the science in sci-fi movies.

Q. You spend car / train journeys checking out the lie of the land – considering which way you would attack from and whether it would make good wargaming terrain.
A. Yes, but it's usually to do with bushfires as opposed to military matters. I've been told to shut up by my wife on several occasions.

Q. Sliced the end of your finger while prepping figures.
A. Yep. And stabbed myself an inch deep in the leg when the table collapsed too. Never did find the end of the scalpel blade either.

Q. Shaking a bottle of paint you used earlier but did not put the lid back on properly (the khaki, red and black stains on the carpet and walls around my painting desk are testament to this).
A. No thankfully. My wife just contradicted me though. Apparently there was swearing too.

Q. Knocked over a pot of paint while painting (and desperately trying to scrape it back into the pot)
A. Yes. Got one of those I'm still using right now.

Q. Dropped a part while gluing it to never find it again (I’m sure there’s a gremlin hiding under my table)
A. Yep.

Q. Dropped a figure / model while painting it – and breaking it.
A. Yep.

Q. Dropped a figure when painting and lost it (this happens so much with my 6mm figures!)
A. Yep. Bit of a theme here...

Q. Spilled paint on the floor and blamed the kids / dog / ghost / Santa
A. Nope.

Q. Claimed a ‘cocky dice’ when it shows a ’1′ and happens to be touching a model or piece of scenery.
A. Okay, yes.

Q. Claimed your opponents dice to be cocky when it shows a ’6′ – as it touched a crease of the cloth, rolled onto a piece of paper etc.
A. Nope.

Q. Bought a dice tower – then gave up using it.
A. Nope. I hate em.

Q. Made your own dice tower (Oh yeah!)
A. Nope. I'd hate it less but still hate it.

Q. Gone to move some figures and found some Macedonian Pike / British Napoleonics etc. stuck in the sleeve of your jumper
A. Yes.

Q. Put some polystyrene cement on insulation foam – just to see what it does
A. Yes.

Q. Glued your fingers together with Superglue
A. Yes. About 2-3 times a year. Also glued model parts, general detritus and miniatures to myself. On the plus side you can superglue cuts shut too.

Q. Left a paint lid open overnight (“Noooooooooooooooo”)
A. Probably.

Q. Filed or cut a bit of ‘flash’ off a figure only to find that it was supposed to be there
A. Often. Doh!

Q. Painted Gauls or other ‘colourful’ troops in football / sporting colours
A. Often. I have FAR TOO MANY red armies. I even have a Bloodbowl player called Robbie Fouler. See what I did there?

Q. Used noxious chemicals to strip paint off figures – without adhering to ANY of the safety guidelines
A. There are safety guidelines? Truly?

Q. Dreamed of converting your lounge / dining room / garage / bedroom into a games room.
A. Maybe. OK yes. Often.

Q. Converted your lounge / dining room / garage / bedroom into a games room
A. Maybe. OK yes. Often.

Q. Bought paint at a show – and found you already had a full pot of the same paint when you got home
A. Haha. Yep.

Q. Bought a tool especially for modelling – and never used it.
A. [Whistles....]

I think I stand convicted. Looks like consecutive life sentences for me....



  1. Re: life sentences, never mind, I'm sure you'll get through on appeal - Justice Cocklecarrot is a keen ECW player, with a huge Parliamentarian force... oh, right. So that's why he's got the black cap out...
    ; )

  2. You are hereby awarded membership to "The True Wargamers Brotherhood"! :-)

  3. All so true, Michael! Although I'm a relative newcomer the sport, er...hobby, I have experience almost all of your points listed above. The one that really hit me is the loss and regain of your gaming mojo. I wondered if this was something unique to me - as I'm currently going through this. For the record, Black Powder is currently my Napoleonic set - not too hard to please. Best, Dean

  4. I can answer YES to a lot of those.
    I don't like dice towers as well.


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